Skate

Lately I have been getting back into skating so my friends and I decided to go skate at Granite skatepark in Sac last Saturday. It was fun, slightly uneventful for my friends. (They didn't land too much) I also brought my camera so I took a few pictures and some people thought I was a sponsor so they would try harder tricks and fall. It was great.

Here are some photos for you guys (namely Caryn, Rachel and Curtis)

Christmas

Just a few pictures from christmas with my new camera. 

My sister's dog is a bit of a harlot.

My personal favorite quote of the month

"Secretly I think I'm a genius in a sense that other don't see when they view my exterior, rather when it's through a computer. With out the illusion of outer beauty, you may be able to see into the soul and mind of the person who stands before you and exists in front of you."

Broken cameras, ACT tests and something to be full filled

So its  been a while since I've posted a blog and not too much has happened. I hurt my hand, tweaked my wrists, bruised my knees, cut my hand up and cracked a rib all playing football. It was two hand touch to top it off which says something about my center of balance and my aerodynamic designed body. I should never play sports.

But I took the ACT today and I am nervous about my scores. Everything was kind of easy except the science. I seriously had a mental break down and cried for 5 minutes. 

Other than that I finally got my favorite film camera that has been broken for 2 years to work! But just as my excitement arrived at it's peak it breaks again! And I don't know how, everything seems fine. I think it might be something with the electronics. And my other camera freaked out the other night and made one of my lenses all cruddy and gearish and stiff. I hate it!

But on another note I have made a promise to myself to ask someone something before new years and I think I may not have a chance to ask in person but oh well. 

But MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!! My friend came back from Idaho for Christmas break. I am supper excited to see her because during thanksgiving break I never got to see her and this time I'm sure I will see her other than at church! So I think you know who you are (mainly because you are one of the only people who keep up with my blog) and you should totally call me when ever you want because I'm intensely bored most of the day.

Dreams

In the past week i have been dreaming! Its exciting because I haven't dreamed in a year or so but my dreams aren't the ones you would think I would be excited about. Things such as suicide and injury fill my dreams. Just last night I had a dream that I slit my wrist all the way around and pulled up the skin then continued to paint with my blood on the walls of my room. I think its a little odd that I've been having such horrific dreams during such a joyous season. I guess my mind comes to a cross roads this time of year 

Other than that I had my hand smashed last night, it was pretty amazing. THANKS CARYN! :)

Words one should never speak

So I have decided to star the writing process of my EP. Have the title and no, it does not mean that there will be cursing on it. In addition to me I will have my good friend Ed playing drums. He is going to be the only other recording musician for Living With Giants. There will be about five or 6 songs on it one of which is already finished and can be heard soon at www.myspace.com/livingwithgiants

In other news I have been getting alot of pressure lately from A&Rs and just people comparing my music and how I go about music to such bands as The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Death Cab For Cutie, Brand New and Cursive. 

In addition to that I'm freaking out about school and everything. I still doubt my acceptance into college though but I will try to keep you posted on all that goes on in the life amongst giants. 

Much love and care,

Ryan

My wisdom teeth are coming in

I really need to get some sleep. I also need to pass the ACT..... GAHHHH!

If I fail I'm doomed to lead a lonely life alone. I'm used to it. I can just stay up all night and write music and eventually die from lack of sunlight or something random like that. 

I really want to get into college but my doubt has risen more than ever. Oh well, if I do then I will probably be much better off but if I don't I will still be able to write and record all my music.  So I guess there are two sides to everything!!!!! (this blog is so random!)

PICKLES!

New ones

This is for Caryn because I know this will make her smile

I've.....

So.....

The past week has been pretty slow, nothing exciting happened. No friends to see, nothing to do. Bored. Lameness. The upcoming show on Saturday I can not play because I won't be home on time and the sound permit we got only goes till ten. I would really like to see my friend who is in town this week but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I really need to buy a digital camera =[

Other than all that talent scouts from labels and people from the paper have been contacting me and this brought about the question, "since when did I have talent?" I'm still not sure about the answer to that question but I do know this. I write better music when I am depressed. And I will say my wrists hate my writing process and I'm sure anyone who knows what I'm talking about hates it too but I feel as though its the best thing I can do to write and I know I'm going to get a lecture from Caryn after she reads this blog and she sees me or she might even call me after this blog and I want to let her know before hand, I'm sorry for this conversation we are about to have. Lately I have been struggling more than ever with depression and my faith and what not. I think I tend to get this way around christmas time. I think it might be  due to the lack of family when I was young or something or maybe its due to my own negligence twards the family that I have. But on a more somber note my Mom has started to say 'I love you' again for some reason. Oh well, hope you are having a great week and keeping happy and please pray for me because I feel like I need it (sorry if that seems selfish)

This one is for Caryn

Who knew Mcain was an iguana =]

I only did this because I know it would make you smack me =D

I'd kill to fall asleep

Another sleepless night due to writing lyrics and sketching up (or attempting to) a flyer for a show that I'm playing next Saturday. But I suck at drawing branches so I'm going to ask someone today at church if they can do a sketch of some so I can use it and do something over it. Oh well. Have a great day, I get to see someone who I miss today so I will hopefully have a great day.

BEST PICTURES EVER!!!!

So as you probably know I don't sleep well at night so I tend to stay up and do artistic things. And lately I have been getting into photography and I decided to go out and take pictures. On my way down main st. my eye was caught by a car in front of a bar. It was an older sports car with its hood torn (it was a convertable) and the bumper that first caught my eye had the paint chipping off of it and I thought it was so beautiful so I sit down on the curb to take a picture and as I zoomed in and focused I saw that there was a sticker above it and I thought it made the best picture that I could have taken all night. It read "#uck art" (not with the '#' but I think you get it) It was so satrical and I loved it. I sat there for about 20 minutes looking at the car and taking photographs. I will be sure to put up the pictures once I get them developed.

Old poems

I found a bunch of old poems that I wrote when I was little, lets say I was in about 4th grade

"Opposites"

What's the opposite of me?

Someone who likes to flee,

Someone who wears a bag

Or someone who's a hag.

What's the opposite of school?

It's doing something cool,

It's doing something to not be bored,

Its like riding my skateboard.

"I went to..."

I went to a store to buy a lime.

I made a mistake and committed a crime.

I went to the yard to not make a mistake.

I made a mistake and cooked a stake.

I went to Peru to go somewhere far.

I made a mistake and watched 'Dude, Where's My Car'.

"Cats"

Fur, fat, lion, beasts.

Cats hunt and have a feast.

"Iraq"

Bombs, armies, guns, dead.

When we find Saddam we'll cut off his head.

"Video games" (this one reminds me of Sam and Alex)

Video games, oh video games.

I love thee so.

You are my pride, my glory.

You are like a part of me.

We are inseparable.

You make me glow.

My parent's don't like you, but what do they know?

"Ten Little Kittens"

Ten little kittens went to take what's mine.

One touched a mouse trap and there were nine.

Nine little kittens went to find a mate.

One was successful and then there were eight.

Eight little kittens went to 7-11.

One stayed in the slurpee machine and then there were seven.

Seven little kittens got some ticks.

One got attacked and then there were six

Six little kittens tried to stay alive.

One chased its tail and then there were five.

Five little kittens made a smore.

One went into the fire and then there were four.

Four little kittens climbed a tree.

One fell off and then there were three.

Three little kittens sniffed my shoe.

One fell in and then there were two.

Two little kittens looked for a nun.

One fell asleep and then there was one.

One little kitten smelled my gun.

It pulled the trigger and now there's none.

(Here is a video for you to think of the ten little kittens)

Starting to like film

Two pictures that I am happy with. And just when I was going to give up hope of getting better. I think over time and learning I can do much much better because frankly, these kind of are a bit sucky to me but oh well. Not my place for contribution I guess

Another failure

I have to be dreaming

So for the past week I have felt like I've been in some weird dream. I saw someone get hit by a cap from a compressed air cannon and I saw him bleed out quite a bit. One hug will make my stomach sink for the whole day. Everyone seems to be telling me that I can get into college every day. And now this!!!!

So I have been a little bit off on my music lately but I am still writing it and loving it. But earlier today I get on my music page on myspace and I have a new message from a music company called "Hitt Music Group" and they tell me that they want to use some of my music for an independent movie! Not only that but they want to represent me and promote me once I get my music together in an EP. They will send it out to labels and all of that! I think this has to be a dream but if its not then I know I have truly been blessed with guidance to where I should go in my life. I love God. 

Love Canvas

First attempt with canvas and its my favourite thing I have done yet! Tell me what you think I should call it and tell me what you think it means. 

Love the cold

I am stressing out about college, as usual but I still have a small amount of hope and thats alot more than usual about anything. Other than that I am just a little depressed about my family situation or lack there of.  I'm also working on alot of music lately and I just got a book from Caryn about the ACT and I've made it my goal to read it for 30 minutes every time I'm in my room so I can get a good score so I can get into college. I am making that my goal for the next year.

New favourite painting

Hope you like it

Halloween Dissasters

Wow. So pretty much my halloween was filled with blood an half naked women. 

So first off, I was asked to do sound for my friend's halloween thing. He does this whole pirates skit with compressed air cannons and sword fights and all that jazz. And well, we were testing everything before it got dark and well. A cap from one of the cannons blew off. The air was too high and it hit someone in the leg and split it open 2 inches and was 1 inch deep. Blood was everywhere and it splattered and yeah. That was a disaster but then we decided to do the skit anyways with no cannons. And it started to rain on all the rented equipment so we had no sound and to top it off one of the main actors started to get stage fright so we didn't even do the acting. 

So after about 2 hours of improv between captain Jack and I. I went home and Kimmy threw a party and it was filled with half naked girls so I just felt really awkward so I left with my acoustic and played guitar in the rain which lead me to play a few songs in a bar. But when I got home I painted a new picture and its byfar my favourite. I will have to put it up soon.

So overall, my halloween was kind of bad. But I just am happy from something that happened the day before. And I just think it great that something so small as a smile can make me happy for so long.

Lets make it snow!

So I was thinking last night how great it would be if it would snow so I had the idea to collect people with the same outlook as me for that and we can pray for snow together! But now that I think about it this can be so much more than just wishing for weather. This can be something to help people have hope I think. Not just hope for snow but hope for a better life! I'm still tossing around this idea so get back to me about that and tell me what you think of it. 

Razia's Shadow

Okay, the most amazing album in my opinion is going to be released this coming Tuesday and its amazing so go get it! Or if you don't have it I can send you a copy via e-mail

Other than that I am starting to become a little more confident about my college essay. So when I get in (only saying get because I know Caryn will bug me if I say "if i get in") I will be insanely happy! So I hope all of you are having a fun time with what ever and yeah. Keep reading!

The story of the tree untold

Okay, I don't know why but I felt like writing a story of some kind so here you go! 

Just as life on earth was created by one being, the sorrow and despair was set on the world by a single thought of timothy, the meek of heart, one night as he stared at the crescent moon.

Whilst he was pondering why each star was in its place The moon itself was pondering who this was who was staring at him from a distance for he too was lonesome in the vastness of time and space.

But as Timothy was looking at the moon, it seemed to be retreating into the dark and it was due to this he noticed a cliff over looking a tree which was shrouded in the shadows which were not shadows of blocked light, rather the darkness of the mind but he could not see this tree for he knew not of the darkness of the mind and could not penetrate the veil.

This was the tree where all the sadness of the world would soon gather after their bodies have fallen to the inevitable fate of death. And it was this tree that would shroud the minds of all those who mourn and all those who are troubled for it was the Tree of Infinite Sadness.

As the Crescent Moon began to focus upon Timothy who was venturing toward the cliff, he noticed this tree of darkness and despair. For the Moon was already troubled by the thought of loneliness amongst the stars, when he gazed at the Tree it put him into a deep depression to where it was too much for him and he fell asleep.

As Timothy reached the edge of the cliff, he noticed the Moon's sad, sleeping face and it made him think about himself in the eyes of something so grand as the Moon. Was it he who put the Moon in this sleep of sadness of which he feared the moon would never awake?

This saddened him and as he looked down at his feet he thought he had seem a ghost of a man with gouged eyes. As he tossed this thought around in his head he had noticed the Tree in the dark for he now knew sadness and ventured down the steep slope to reach the Tree.

As he slipped and stumbled down the slope, he fell upon a rock which was radiant beyond that of the Moon in pitch black and it shone brighter even more than the light which radiated from the Sun and as he stared, it blinded him.

Soon he could see nothing but white. A white so pure that it burnt his already sunken eyes into nothing more than a hole in his head. But this did not detour him from his venture to the Tree for with out his eyes he could see the truth of the dark for it was nothing.

But when he reached the Tree he was blocked by a force. As he heard a voice say unto him, "Thou hast found thy way to mine trunk even after thou hath been blinded by light."

And Timothy answered this statement to the best of his knowledge. "Without the light I wouldn't know the dark. With out the dark there wouldn't be anything. But nothing is something an that something manifests itself as an emotion which I have found to except anything else in this area.

Have I been saved from the darkness? Have I been sent to the light? For I dwell in this new found dark. I cannot go back to the light now for I know of the pain of the dark. Is it possible to return after something so dark has lead you to something you seek?"

As the force pondered this Timothy slowly started to see the light. And though blurry at first, he could see the force blocking him was the departed spirit of the Tree. He then was lifted up by the dark and thrust down into the soil. And his last glimpse was that of the Tree he sought.

He feared what was to come but he embraced the sweet separation of soul and body. The soul departed to go to the Tree and the body fell to the roots of it. He was one with the Tree and he had never felt more sadness in his life for he was now the ruler of sadness. He was the only one who would sacrifice his soul to the Tree. So it took him for the Tree needed not a body who had suffered but a spirit who had been drawn to the sadness.

The Moon then awoke for he had received a sign of something grand that was to come in the world in ages to come. A man who would save all the world from the sadness, pain and depression of both physical and spiritual manifestation. The Moon would endure for he knew all would be well. He would see the world fall. He would make the seas rise and fall. He would be gazed at with wonderment for ages till this man would come and this gave him hope. And he felt his purpose was for those who would ignore this man to brighten their darkest nights.

Decision that I think is worth it

Okay, For halloween I want to be a rock star. Pretty much I'm going for this

So I'm going to fast till the day comes. 

Other than that life's been looking up.  I actually think I may get into college for once. Other than that, nothing is really new. Okay. Have fun!

Yay for spray paint

This is the first thing I've done with spray paint in like....... oh say, seven years. Here you go.

A leap back into action

So I have finally decided to try to get back into art because I keep having theses ideas in my head that I want to draw but I'm so far out of practice that I can't so I'm trying to get back into it. And here is my first attempt back into art, a really quick monochromatic that I did while at this art thing yesterday.

Other than that I have been enjoying conference ALOT! Its great and it makes me really happy and that is a good thing because I'm usually not that happy. But today after the second session was through I wanted to try my hand at some spray paint shading and masking. I go out to the back and open our REALLY old trailer with all of these paints in it and the door has like 4 locks on it and is kind of heavy so it is a chore to even get into it. So I get out about 10 different colour spray paints. Then I have to go to the store to hopefully buy some wood for a canvas, acrylic paints and a few brushes. I was about half way there when I realize I forgot my wallet so I turn around and go home. And when I left I didn't really want to put the paints away because I just didn't want to open the door again and when I got back, all the paints were gone! I hate the people down the ally. I am pretty sure they stole them because I know they are the people who are always tagging out trailer. Oh well, I will just have to buy some more paints and pray that they won't tag our trailer again and if they do I'm pretty sure I'm going to call the cops.

I hope you enjoyed the little quick painting and I may do some more later on. Please give me feedback.

Stars in the void of space

Well, now I'm starting to apply for Byu-Id and to be honest, I'm getting kind of doubtful that I will get accepted and if Caryn reads this I'm probably going to get a talking to but oh well. But on the bright side it some how makes me feel like I've done something good in my life because I have to think about all my activities and talents and since someone is helping me apply, I have someone to tell me what they think is a talent. 

I also went to the doctors for my stomach and insomnia and I got meds for both. So far the stomach medication is working but as for the organic stuff she had me try, its not the same story. But also I had a huge disappointment once I stepped on the scale and when I told the doctor how I felt it was confirmed that I have an eating disorder but the worse part is that I have no desire to do anything about it. So looks like I'm in for heart failure and malnutrition. WOOT!

So tonight I was riding my bike around town as usual and I was pulled over by a police officer and he asked me the usual things. 

"Have you been drinking?" No, I'm Mormon. I don't do anything like that. 

"What about that V.I.P. bracelet?" It's from the Switchfoot concert last weekend.

Then he asked me something that kind of shocked me.

"Are you homeless?"

I don't know why that took me by surprise but it did. I personally don't think I look homeless. Oh well. Then he just left and told me to ride with traffic and it was all fine and dandy. When I ride at night I like to go by churches and look at the stars and think. And here are some things that I thought of while looking at the stars.

"The brightest stars are not the most amazing ones. The ones that you have to search for will be the ones that take your breath away."

"Light from lampposts seem more natural when there are about ten in front of you and you can truly see that each one has a different shade to it."

"Stars seem to last longer than you do, so if I do get married I want to buy her a star for both of us so if one of us dies before the other we can look up and remember that we will last forever."

Ideas and occupation

Well as you might or might not know my Dad is a manager for a company that sells organic fertilizers and repellents and stuff like that. Well, another fun fact that you will soon see ties in with the fact about my dad is that since I was little I always liked looking through lenses and looking at pictures that my uncle (he was a photojournalist) took and I loved it. Well, a while ago my dad asked me if I would take the pictures for his company and I actually hadn't been into photography for about 3 years before that happened but I said yes. And that peaked my interest again so now the time is drawing nearer to when I need to start taking pictures for them but I still have the dilemma of a lack of camera. So I'm going to go check out cameras again for the 6th time since he has asked me to take photos for his company so I'm sure its starting to get close to the time when I will be looking through a lens again. 

Other than that I'm still doing my music stuff and I was starting to doubt myself a little bit but then I sent my lyrics and just random stuff I wrote to some people and the odd thing is that they started to praise me. And that honestly kind of scares me a little bit. I don't want to be some idol. But oh well. Still thinking I'm not that great but it helps to know that what you do effects how others feel. And I will leave you with a little rant that will end up being in the first song of the record or what ever you want to call it. But the thing is you will never really hear it unless you know exactly what to do to hear it. Now isn't that fun?

"Just stop and listen to all the things wrong in the world and figure out our place in this mess of politics and war that we started. Try to see the good in everyone and everything. All is well in he world, we just don't see as clearly as we should because the veil hasn't been lifted from our minds that have been tricked into believing everything the media is feeding us. I love each and everyone of you so just stop and think."

Lyrics and List of what i have laid out for a CD

So I have decided to set a goal of 11 songs for the 'album' and here is the list so far and it is subject to change.

1: Transition Unfinished

2: In My Head

3:

4:

5:

6:

7: 

8: Big Bang Theory

9:

10:

11: Children's March (New Endings)

Here are the Lyrics I have for each one

"Transition Unfinished"

Your leaving

It's over

We've lost

"In My Head"

Fall back, Relapse

Say It's all in my head

It's all in my head

Spiders crawling out of my skin

Lay in bed, lay in bed

Tell yourself, It's all in your head

It's all in your head

Fall back, Relapse

Then your dead

Then your dead.

I'm losing my mind

I've lost my sight

It's all in my head

It's all in my head

Find my mind

I fear I've lost

Fear I've lost

Fear I've lost what was mine

What was mine

What was mine

Can't seem to find

Seem to find

Seem to fine

Who I am

Who I am

In your eyes and in your mind

In your mind

In your mind

Will I be next?

Will I be next?

"Big Bang Theory"

This is the end of history

For you and me.

I thought we could

Go on like the big bang.

I guess we fell faster than we thought.

We fell under the weight

Of our innocence 

But you turn your back on me

Your falling towards the sky

I fell harder than I thought

I'm stuck on you being with him

While I'm here waiting for you.

I thought we could

Go on like the big bang

And fall like the stars out of the sky

But we burnt out too fast

Reassurance

So for the past few days I have been franticly getting all of my old songs back that I wrote for Kiss Me, Cassanova so I can re-write some and put them in order for my record and in the middle of that all I have also been adding bands on my myspace page like none other and the greatest thing happened today. Artists are telling me that they really like my music. Now if they are just saying this to make me like them more, I don't know. But regardless I think it is amazing. It has been one of the best feelings I have ever experienced. To have something that you made be enjoyed by people you admire is a feeling like none other.

The school situation is starting to get a little clearer now. What I think I may do is I am going to try to get into some kind of university with an audio program next fall. The problem that I think I'm having is that I'm not motivated because I have no classes that I really like to make me want to better in classes I don't really like. So tomorrow I'm going to sign up for the SAT. Wish me hope =]

Good Night-

Ryan

Life as it starts.

So at this point in time I feel the need to start everything over again. I just left my previous band, Kiss Me, Cassanova, due to artistic differences and now I am trying to focus on my own project that has been in the works for quite sometime now. For now I really want to develop my voice more and to get back into theater related things so my next step is to try out for some musicals or theater related activities in general.  School has been so bad for me up until this point. And bad being that I honestly don't know what I'm doing with my life so I don't know if I really want to be going to school or not or something like that. My depression is getting a little better but it still has the best of be shrouded in a cloak of hatred towards myself and my mind. I also think part of it is my lack of friends. My best friend went back to Idaho for school and I know its really selfish but I really want her to come back. I just feel so lost for some reason, I wish I had some kind of guidance to tell me exactly which road I need to take and where to go when I get to intersections instead of letting go of the wheel and letting myself drift without control into which ever way I may end up going. At least church is still going well. But right now I am just really doubting myself in every way possible. I doubt my music will ever be heard or enjoyed by anyone other than those who know me and I honestly do want alot of people to hear it mainly because I feel like it may help those who are lost like me to know that they can find something that may help them find their way. So I guess this is my way of saying I am starting a new and the worst is over.